(Note: I’ve decided that I’m taking a hiatus from both TNA and Smackdown this week. Sorry if this disappoints anybody, but I want to get this project off the ground AND I’m kind of just wanting a bit of a break)
No dark match on this night… Just the main attraction.
Gorilla Monsoon (playing the face) and Jesse Ventura (playing the heel) are on the announce.
The show opens with Vince McMahon running down the card. You know, “WELCOME TO WRESTLEMANIA!!! LIVE FROM MADISON SQUARE GARDEN!!!!” that deal. An instrumental of “Shout” by Tears for Fears plays in the background. Don’t forget, that’s Mania I’s theme song… Not “Easy Lover” because, though I love me a little Phil Collins, that song should of never been a wrestling event theme song. Watch me pick something even worse in a future event.
We’ll be keeping the celebrities in attendance in their original roles, if you were wondering.
Ricky Steamboat D Tito Santana
This match is just all about workrate. Tito was a pretty good worker, and Ricky is, of course, one of the all time greats. We’ll have Ricky go over here with his signature Flying Crossbody. After the match, the two hug and shake hands. Hopefully, this one gets the crowd pumped up.
Junkyard Dog and Special Delivery Jones vs Buddy Rose and Matt Borne (draw)
These two go at it for a little bit, with JYD hitting all his signature moves (the headbutts man, gotta have the headbutts) on Buddy Rose. At one point, it looks like SD Jones is going to get the win on Matt Borne, after hitting a…a… piledriver, I guess?
Either way he doesn’t. King Kong Bundy comes barreling in.
King Kong Bundy is who he is in the real world at this point. Pale looking rotund grappler in that black singlet. I should of mentioned this in the build up, but Jimmy Hart was voicing his discontent with Bundy being left off the Mania card, so King Kong Bundy has decided to crash this match.
He wipes out SD Jones, Buddy Rose, and Matt Borne with his Body Avalanche. JYD, on the other, decides to put up a little bit of a fight. After hitting the Body Avalanche on JYD, JYD actually tries to rise to his feet, but only gets on all fours as King Kong Bundy crashes down on him with a splash.
Afterwards, “Mean” Gene does a quick interview with Jimmy Hart, who is just giddy about what King Kong has just done. Jimmy says that King Kong Bundy is the biggest ape in the jungle here in the WWF.
David Sammartino vs Brutus Beefcake… Doesn’t take place
I doubt this saddens anyone.
While David comes down to the ring, Brutus comes out of the back and attacks him from behind with a steel chair. David falls to the ground, and Brutus continues to tenderize his back with the chair. Bruno comes running down and chases Brutus off before checking on his son.
It will be revealed in WWF Magazine that David was told he will never wrestle again. Also, it will be shown on the VHS release of Mania I that Brutus attacked Jimmy Valiant in the back, thus breaking away from him. The announcer will only comment on this in a later match… Say, during the women’s match, Gorilla gets word from the back about it.
Jimmy Snuka D Bob Orton
After two BS things, we need to get the crowd going. We just let these two have a fun little brawl. Jimmy was always more of a brawler with a few high flying moves, and we let him do those here. Bob uses the cast at one point, but Jimmy no sells. JIMMY NO SELLS THE CAST! Jimmy then loses his mind and pummels Bob with the chops. This allows Jimmy to take Bob down and hit the Superfly for the win. The announcers talk about how Roddy is definitely not going to be happy about this, and Jesse talks about how Bob “just couldn’t cut the mustard tonight.”
Before the next match, Andre is interviewed by Lord Alfred. Alfred asks Andre about his match, and the interview goes straight, until Andre is asked about the main event match tonight, and it looks like Andre might end up losing it (it’s all in the face though…), but then Andre just wishes the Hulkster good luck tonight.
Andre the Giant D Big John Studd (W/ Bobby Heenan)
Andre is able to obliterate the big man. Sure, John gets some blows in, but Andre is just too much for Big John Studd to handle. If Andre’s back can handle it, I’d love it if he could gorilla press Big John Studd for the finish… but if not his old Double Underhook would suffice.
Heenan waits until Andre gets all the way out of the ring before checking on his client. Though he won, Andre doesn’t seem too happy about the win. It’s almost as if something is missing. Wonder what?
WWF WOMEN’S TITLE: Leilani Kai and Fabulous Moolah D Wendi Richter and Cyndi Lauper
Richter does most of the work for the face team here, getting dominated for the most part. I would like it to seem like she is protecting Cyndi, with Cyndi clearly wanting to get in there, seeing that Richter is in trouble, but Richter continues to try anyway. Kai and Moolah do an old school heel tag thing here, keeping Richter in the corner and dominating her. Finally, it becomes too much, and after an opening comes, Wendi tags in Cyndi.
Cyndi, surprisingly, does OK (well, the announcers play it up like that anyway. I’d be shocked if she can do more then an Arm Drag) and takes it to Moolah, who is clearly looking like she is pass her prime here. Moolah tags in Leilani, who takes it to Cyndi. Cyndi gets rocked by a big boot from Leilani, who backs up to pose before pinning.
Only for Moolah to make the blind tag…
Leilani doesn’t know what happened until it is too late, and Moolah wins the Women’s title for the 3rd time (I think…)
Leilani jaws with Moolah, but Moolah smacks Leilani with the belt. Richter actually comes to her former enemy’s aid, only to get the same treatment. Moolah celebrates, while Cyndi gets checked on by paramedics.
TAG TEAM TITLES: The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff (W/ Freddie Blassie) D The US Express (Mike Rotundo and Barry Windham) (W/ Lou Albano)
Like most of this one, everything stays the same.
The difference is the aftermath. At the first SNME after Mania, The US Express say that they failed America and as such just can’t continue to entertain the people. As a result, they leave the promotion.
INTC TITLE: Greg “The Hammer” Valentine (W/ Jimmy Hart) D Bruno Sammartino
I want Bruno to look good here, and I think The Hammer would be able to do that, seeing how he was able to make Ed Leslie matches watchable. We’ll let Bruno survive both the Hammer Elbow and the Figure Four Leglock and then have Bruno lock on the bearhug on Greg. As Greg is starting to black out, Jimmy hops up on the apron to distract the ref. Brutus comes in with that dang chair and levels smacks Bruno on the top of the head with it. Bruno goes down, and Greg nails another Hammer Elbow to get the 1-2-3. Bruno, Jimmy, and Brutus all celebrate the tainted victory.
From this point on, Brutus Beefcake is now Brutal Brutus. It has a small ring to it, don’t you think?
WWF TITLE: Roddy Piper (W/ Paul Orndorff) D Hulk Hogan (W/ Mr. T)
A heel sweep in the Mania I title matches. For story advancement with what I’ve been given, it was a necessity.
Of course, Hulk won’t lose clean. Basically, a brawl between Orndorff and T distracts the ref. Hogan prepares to get out of the ring to help T, but Roddy pulls out brass knucks out of his tights and levels the Hulkster. He then pins Hulk, even grabbing Hulk’s trunks for leverage, for the 1-2-3.
In order to have a happy ending, we’ll see Piper jawing with Muhammad Ali when Ali comes in to give Piper the belt. Piper slips the knucks out again and swings, but Ali ducks underneath the punch and levels Piper! Hopefully, the crowd goes crazy for this.
And that is Mania I… Comments, thoughts, and death threats are welcome.